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Wednesday, April 4, 2012

It Was a Monday

Ghost in the Stalls (True story from Olan Rogers)

So, I was in this Target bathroom making shortcakes.......pooping. I was pooping. While I was in the bathroom, pooping, I was playing on my phone in silent mode. By the way, it's called multitasking. So, I hear this guy come in the bathroom and gets in the stall next to me. He started pooping, next to me. You know that awkward silent pooping? I don't want any part of that, so I remained quiet. I didn't want that awkwardness to happen, but it created a new awkward moment of quietness. It was so freaking quiet. I heard a fly fart. It was a soft angelic whistle. It was quite beautiful actually. Well I'm sitting in the stall, thinking, it's a Monday. I got nothing going on. I'm scotch......tape. I'm so dang clear of anything. So I decided, hey, I'm gunna break the silence. So I let out the most blood curling scream. I released Thor in the stall. This guy, he like, freaks the crap out! All I hear is like, two hands press up against the stalls. *Pshhh* "HELLO?! IS SOMEONE IN HERE? LISTEN, I'M BEING SERIOUS. I DON'T KNOW IF YOUR DEAD OR ALIVE!" So I hear movement, as if he is getting ready to look under the stalls to see if anyone is in here, so I pop my feet up. *Guy looks under* "AHHHH" You know what, it's a Monday, so I let out another soul ripping scream. "AHH! AHHH!" All I hear is him getting ready to bust through the stalls. *Pshh* *Pshh* "HELLO?" But what this guy didn't know, is in the spance of him jingling around in his pants, it gave me enough cover to move from my stall to the one, right of his. *Pshh* "Okayyy. Okay. I see what's going on. You're a tormented soul! Trapped within these stall walls. I am not your enemy! I just want to poop this dark matter. Safely, and quietly. And I promise you this! I will be on my way, if you give me this one solid. I will present you with more solids." So he comes back to his stall, and he starts pooping. Well, it's a Monday. I gotta do it one more time. One more final scream. But not just a scream. I decided to yell, run. The roar was so loud! It was like I released the Kraken in the bathroom! It was like a whale gave birth to a roaring T-Rex, that was up-cutting a plato can! The hair stood up on my arms! A little pee came out as well, blood pee, because it was that loud! Then my butt cheeks quenched which caused the sound on the seats. *Eeecchhh* As I was yelling, my foot dipped into the dang toilet. Now, I released even more energy! This guy gets so scared, he bursts out of the stall. *Pffttt!* And runs out screaming, "AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" right out of the Target bathroom. I got out of my stall and look over into his stall. Apparently the guy left his pants, in the stall. Which means, he somehow got so scared, that he slipped his shoes out of his pants, and ran out into Target in his beefy Hanes. So, I walk out into the Target and go up to an employee. "Hey, I don't know what happened, but somebody left their pants in the stall, in the bathroom." The employee just looks at me and says, "............again?!"